The Healer & The Human Self Worth
Many healers are currently struggling with self worth, unknowing where it’s coming from. They feel as though they’ve done the work so well, for so long, they know they work daily to love themselves. Many of us have been doing this work for so long, we’ve seen the ego inflated narcissist use this work for bad, so theres a fear of living in your power and believing in yourself, would it make you appear as one of them? The answer is no. Energy and vibrations are a very deeply felt thing, and actions and energy will always speak louder than intent. I have always had this special ability, being I was engaged to a spiritual sociopath and my friend/student at the same time period was also one, both sharing a large following and living for the crowd when they spoke of “spiritual terms”. That terrified me to talk about things, but also encouraged me to. With both personalities I had seen the same situation, speaking one way, and the actions not matching the words or spiritual way of life preached at all. A few things birthed from those situations for me from that. Years later, I have a true knowing the spiritual sociopath is needed and a huge part of our journey. They serve their purpose and once you get past the pain of the abuse put onto you from them you realize they’re a huge part of the story for many awakenings.
I learned a lot about self love mostly from people who have no self love but pretend to the world they do.
The spiritual sociopath friend or bf, would say horrible things to me using spiritual terms, I later in life heard of the friend telling a girl her guides will hurt her if she leaves her house cause she needed her there. What do you think I learned from that? I learned, that I had to fight so hard, and never let my years around dark psychopaths be in vain. I learned I had a job to do, and it was not to feel not good enough bc these people made me feel not good enough whether to be loved or be a friend and not be dropped the second I called them out on something. When reiki and energy work saves your life, you have a true debt to the term reiki master. That title is earned through sadness, pain, awakening and healing, and when someone hasn’t earned it, but calls themselves that on a social media site you don’t have, you eventually grow strong to not be bullied by them anymore. Once again, reiki and the light saved my life from another soul sucker sucking the life out of me and dimming the light I had fought so hard in my life to try to save.
I realized after being heavily involved with failed cult leaders using the terms alchemist and clairvoyant to control people, I had a job. I had to bring my dark work forward, I had a job to heal, a job to heal others, a job to channel. For years I’ve talked about loss and safe subjects. In readings is where I get heavy and channel and show the real work I do. Not anymore. In my life having a distant cold relationship with my mother, a heavy background of parents fighting and toxicity and being heavily bullied I realized, I spiraled into a world of really not feeling good enough for anyone. I didn’t feel good enough for success, and that was something I had recently had to truly face. My friend and I about 20 mins ago were talking about how some people, no matter how close you believe you are as a healer, even if you’ve seen them so vulnerable, just don’t recommend your name to people. That makes you feel not good enough, that is making you put them on a pedestal on accident and thats not fair for you. The person could easily just be afraid you’d dim their light and take business, which is not something to be offended by. Its actually quite the opposite! The person, isn’t taking something out on you personally, when you’re not asked or chosen, they’re saying “this is the first time I’m good at something and I wanna succeed but I’m afraid if people go to you, they won’t come back to me because you’re great at what you do” which I truly hope no one feels that way because theres enough room for us all, but thats going to the SAME ISSUE, projected and given in 2 ways. One feels not good enough so they don’t recommend you, one feels not good enough because they think you do the work better. Projection is a motherfucker, but it shows us all our we are so connected.
I understand the feeling of seeing someone exploit the angel realm and spirit, and past lives and things in our culture that are sacred and we love, and feeling so angry, but afraid to talk about it out loud yourself. It’s a sacred subject for you, so the thought of scrutiny pains you, but the vision of people who do not truly use these practices or words for good hurt you more. That is a loophole of not feeling good enough to have people accept your sacred understandings.
When we come from a shitty life, or abuse, or being picked on, picked last, parents break up, lose your house, can’t afford clothes and get compared to the KeWl kids who can afford everything, and the child’s egos create a status system, due to their own insecurity. In the hierarchy of school and kids, kids will destroy for you looking different. We are taught at a very young age to hate ourselves, however on the spiritual path, we did this on purpose because we knew how much we would grow from this situation and all the pain we’ve endured. We’ll spend a lifetime looking for acceptance in people and people pleasing because of what we either saw or felt as children or what was done to us. The first time we felt not good enough, such as our parents telling us were wrong with no explanation, it teaches us not to trust ourselves. It makes us feel incredibly undeserving of love, and in that case we wind up chasing love and acceptance in abusive characters.
You Tube Alex March -Journey to self love We lose all sense of love, we have no idea what love is, just a painted photo in our heads of what we see on tv, or what we’ve seen in our parents and unless we purge these issues and truly meet them, we will never understand who we are or what love truly is, just chase obsession, rejection, acceptance, and people who do not value us and we’re also afraid to show them who we are at all. We live in pure fear especially as empaths to show people who we are after a lifetime of feeling not good enough, and then we awaken and we heal and we believe we are doing the work but don’t realize how much deeper it goes.
We commit to our spiritual path, and feel as though our gifts are doing so well, and we feel so motivated and so great, yet results aren’t seen. We feel as though we shouldn’t be struggling if the “universe provides”. I had thought I made a terrible mistake, when I filmed for a tv network my own tv show, which I fought tooth and nail. My jaw would get tight and I would be so worried about integrity, WHY? Because so many people I’ve known and been hurt by were walking lies. I see fame and the chase of success destroy healers hearts. I see tv make people into monsters and mediumship becomes a cheap novelty of a tv celebrity. This is not their fault, people do this. I think mediums on tv is wonderful!!!- but I don’t believe reading celebs and shit makes you a star. People deserve to heal, our neighbors, our common gifted people, and the readings of celebrities on tv does 2 things, one, makes people by chance believe which is positive because people put their worship into the famous, but shows the common person only celebrities can get that, and this one is better than others which is why he gets to. I didn’t know that I could be in that ring. What happens when my email blows up so bad my everyday since day 1 people can’t get me. But I also had to wrestle the fact was I afraid because I didn’t believe I deserved that level of success, but I did film. I was amazing on camera, and it was an amazing experience I’ll never forget. But, I knew by the end, it wasn’t for me. Shortly after I got to be the healer on vans warped tour and that changed my life.
That experience showed me I wanted to be the person behind the people. I don’t want to be a novelty and character to want someone to heal them, I want my gift to speak for itself. I read and healed people you probably listen to daily, people I started listening to at 13, people that didn’t know this side of life can exist, and it gave faith and hope to a dark world, a world that I grew up in, and again my mission affirmed, I existed in the dark to bring light to the world. I brought love, solitude, healing and understanding to people who would never seek someone like me out. Guess what? These people were randomly standing near me and I happened to start getting info, it was natural and never forced, it was messages orchestrated by a divine light to happen at that exact time, I was reading people look up to, not because I’m on tv, not because I’m known, but because I was following my divine purpose and it felt right to me. Bringing so much light and healing into the dark and people with darkness and sadness and feel theres no way out. That happened to show me, I was right in feeling not right about tv because it’s not my path, my path is to do exactly what I do and how I do it.
After warped, I expected so much good to happen, and it didn’t. A whirlwind of awful happened in my life and I had to start over. I guess I believed in some way because so much good was done, it would continue. But the universe was forcing me to work deeper on the lessons I had once had, and now to go in much deeper than ever before. Finding the original whys, finding the true understanding of why I do this work and why I am worth achieving success and believing in myself, I never lacked in believing in my gifts, or what I did. I never felt insecure of how gifted of a healer I am, but then thats hiding behind my abilities and not allowing myself to shine, why? Fear of ego, fear of being rejected, because I’ve experienced many spiritual sociopaths that tried to make me feel bad about myself, or say horrible things, one even used a few friends of mine to learn sacred info to prey on empaths for control due to be highly lost and empty inside. Its unfortunate, but when those people who hype you, then abandon you or literally said, “ Anyone could’ve known that about my dead parent”- you feel demeaned and not good enough, not good enough for their standard. Someone who once encourages you, knocks you down. You feel not worthy in some way shape or form, bc you feel bad and go right back to the people pleasing phase most empaths know so very well.
I realized deeply in the past few weeks, whether purging abusive ex’s, old friends coming together to help from an old friends abusive ways and shit talk, or dealing with sexual traumas or childhood. Teachers who called you stupid, or partners who didn’t believe in what you did, somewhere along the way we shut down, and to protect ourselves manifested a deeper insecurity in blocking our own success, blocking our own path, and living for our spiritual paths, but not entirely for us. The us who we started as before we awoken, the us who has died and had many lives, the us who was born and an innocent child until our paths and the negativity of society made us feel not good enough. We found spirituality and believed in our path so much, we didn’t realize as we’re healing inner us, little us, hell even us from last week, we’re forgetting to let the ego self heal and tell them they deserve success because its accepted so much defeat and sabotage. Its worked to make others believe in them, like them, stay with them, live for them, while never living for us. The work is hard, and we never stop growing, but if we really believe in ourselves we can overcome all of these obstacles.
Due to a bad relationship with my mother, I suffered a deep fear of women and them liking me. A deep fear of girls accepting me, and wanting to be my friend. Girls in school were horrible to me, knocked my food off the table and said you can’t sit with us because you’re a loser and have big ears. You can’t sit with us cause you’re poor, your families alcoholics you can’t be near us you’re a loser. That shit sticks… that is why I am truly more comfortable with the male energy and males as friends. I knew as a female a male will at least give me a chance because I’m a girl, and thats so abusive to yourself. Feeling you have to be a certain role for people to be your friend. Girls have always burned me and I never felt good enough to have girlfriends, a pattern I’ve continued to release. Id work overtime to feel accepted, and in the summer I was denied a friendship with a female I worked really hard to help, and that was when I realized I was fucking done, I was done pleasing females to be my friend, because I didn’t feel good enough unless I was doing work for them, or healing them. I am alex outside of my gifts too, and its time I honor her, and let her know she deserves to be successful because she is the vessel thats carried the soul of Alex and all her work.
I believe positive affirmations are great, but you gotta do the work. There is no magic fix, there is no magic book, magic mantra, that can do this for you. You have to go to the beginning to get to the start, you have to map out your ilife and find the patterns and projections. You have to figure out the patterns in your life, because those are your karmic patterns you’ve decided to continuously learn to heal and become who you are. You were always two different people, the body of a confused soul, who eventually works hard and fights and heals to allow in the higher true self, and then the job is integrating them as one whole person, human enough to know their life is worthy, but ascended enough to not mind what humanity thinks. It’s a fickle bitch, and it’s not easy. I never thought I was gonna make it, ever, I almost accepted defeat because it was easier, but that wouldn’t be me. Ive stood up and I’ve fought and I’ve done all the work. I am a glutton for finding my dark side, and dark habits. I LOVE SHADOW WORK, I love finding my own projections due to the past and I do it a lot. I am very hyper aware of myself, and others. I know someones intent the second they look at me, I see why people are how they are, I feel physical blocks in anyone I speak to, my body is a vessel for spirit, my guides are clear as day and I have created my own methods of healing. I am proud of myself, and I have fought and earned the ability to be so open and clear, it’s not just given to you. I had to face my love life over and over and how id heal yet still ignore the messages of dating someone to avoid my true issues. That is one of the highest spiritual lessons, ignoring what we know to consume ourselves in loving another, pushing us further away from knowing us and losing our purpose.
Sociopaths and abusers have taught me strength, they’ve taught me to fight for myself, and fight for others. They’ve taught me every dark method of manipulation, and I believe because its my job to fight for the people they’ve hurt and help them find what I did, a deep sense of gratitude for my soul abusers, and all those who have hurt me, not chose me, put me down, made me second best, called me ugly, tried to just bang me and fake a relationship, friends who fucked me over or made me feel small or not good enough, psychics who called me too young, an ex friend who was the first person I taught reiki calling me a trashy goth and saying tattoos are trashy. I am grateful for you all. You have been my darkest curse turned my highest blessing. You have taught me how to never be, what an empty soul looks like, and that I attracted you all because I was a people pleaser who didn’t believe in myself, and now I do, and for that gift I have eternal peace and love for.
Believe in your pain.