Gimme The Root, Gimme The Root
Years upon years of my life, the more I learn the more I realize the root chakra is a giant pain in the ass, literally. The root chakra is where we hold survival, where we hold fear, where we hold victimization. The root I think takes the most damage and is the most resilient. It’s the structure of our bones, blood, and spine which is the most important spiritual part of our entire body. I have most of my greatest releases when I venture to Boston to see Jake, and I become fearful before I go sometimes, but this time was different. Raw, uncut, welcome to my world.
So I leave to go to the airport, my sisters boyfriend is driving me and in a 40 minute flight I did my normal, do you think this flight is safe, and christian says, “ you have a better chance of being bit by a bull shark”. I was like christian do you know where I’m going? Cape cod! Where jaws was filmed. About a month before I flew up there I started becoming very kid like in my pool, I believe healing a young version of Alex that never had the chance to have a childhood, I knew the release was coming, just didn’t know how or when. I landed on my flight and Jake was there to get me, and for some reason driving in the car with someone sent me into sheer panic, I normally am a backseat driver, silently lol. This was too much though, I always chalk it up to being hypersensitive and reacting to things like 500x quicker than most people because of my raised vibration but this was something else. We finally got to cape cod and I was relieved, we stopped at whole foods to grab me food because cape cod is a giant town of lobster and I eat tofu lol. I unpacked all of my stuff and began to hang out with the family, and it was strange, I felt like an outsider and I’ve never felt that in my life, and thats how I knew my energy was being raised and I was being presented with lessons and releases. The next day I woke up and had a field day on the beach, I was getting along with an 11 year old more than anyone else, I truly felt like I was healing my inner child who deserved to have these family moments and when we are missing pieces of ourselves we revert back to exactly how we were. The quantum soul stays stuck in memories and time lines believing they’ll never be saved or found. Neverland is a real place, where millions of peoples inner children go and never get to return, because they’re forced to just DEAL with life and how things are. I was in the water and this fear came over me that a bull shark was targeting me and I would be eaten. Now let me tell you I am the most intuitively rational person I know. I literally fear nothing and know I’m protected and safe, but in these days I just couldn’t feel safe no matter what I did. I got a text that 2 hours after I left my house a tornado hit my neighborhood. I live in NJ the chances of a tornado touching down are the chances you have of me eating dairy, never happening. I had extreme paranoia that because I left to enjoy myself and not work something bad would happen, and of course now it had come true.
My phone broke while at the cape, the charger stopped working and when we got home from the cape we went to the apple store. They instantly fixed the charger port and then said they could fix my screen ( my screen was cracked to hell) but I kept it because my best angel mouse henrietta used to crawl on that screen and send text messages and I couldn’t handle the thought of losing that, because well I love animals more than life. I got back after an hour and they said they couldn’t fix my screen bc their machine broke, so I was like oh ok thats fine, and then “we can give you a new phone for the same price as the screen fix because the machine is broke” I looked at Jake and I was like, honestly that sounds like a good plan. The new phone was brought out, things were switched over, and he grabbed my original phone and began to walk away, I immediately yelled where are you going with my phone. He told me it was a trade, and I said you never said that and I’m not walking out of here without my phone. That phone had so many memories and pictures I could never get back, I began to cry like a baby. I couldn’t understand why this was happening, I never would’ve said yes had I known they traded it. The guy felt horrible, watching me cry like a child- but that was a huge clue to what was happening. He said I could come back tomorrow and get every photo off my phone on my computer. I left extremely upset and just agreed. I went home with the plan of coming in the next day and raising hell to get that phone back. I was never given a fair chance to choose what I wanted, I was never told they took my phone. All I could see was something happening and something was MINE and now I had no power over this situation. It felt so unfair, I just cried and cried on Jake. It was one of the last tangible henrietta memories I had, in the phone held so many notes and things I’ve written along this path. I went to plug this new phone in, and GUESS WHAT. It didn’t charge, are you fucking kidding me this phone isn’t charging. I dropped to the floor and started cracking up. Jake and I couldn’t stop laughing, because honestly what else can you do in situations that are just like how is this even happening. I went to bed and woke up feeling different about how I felt the night before. I felt like this was a test from the universe, of acceptance, and a trigger of being a child and so many unfair things happening I had no control over and all I could do was cry and feel like life would never be fair to me. It made me relive so many childhood things, like losing a home, parents having addiction issues, being horribly bullied and having to just take it because I had to go to school. I relived so much trauma I couldn’t take it. I went to apple, and took my photos and explained to the guy why I got so emotional and he was so understanding. We all have bad days where we aren’t perfect, I’m not going to penalize someone who forgot to say something. Seeing yourself in others mistakes is how we heal ourselves time and time again.
The hell of my phone was over, and now we had a few days at jakes house until we went up to the camp in New Hampshire we stayed at 2 years ago that his family owns. We bought a 12 person tent because well, I have enough herbs and sweat pants to stretch across all of New Hampshire. I went into going to New Hampshire in fear, because 2 years previous I woke up with a fever and severe leg pain having a massive root chakra release and cried for days about no one believing me and what I do when I was younger and being so afraid of people making fun of me for my gifts. So here I am in pure fear mode of getting sick, but the rain ruining the camping trip was enough to just make me forget about it. So remember when I said there was a tornado in Jackson NJ? Now in Jackson, New Hampshire we get alerts on our phones about a tornado warning and to seek shelter. I instantly panicked and didn’t know what to do. Alex normally would be like yeah ok, but now this is just too weird and I think a tornado is coming to get me and thats how I’ll be taken out. I laugh at it now because of my healing that took place, but for fucks sake. I feel like I can’t properly convey what this felt like for me, I’m in the middle of a foreign state with someone else’s family. The only person I could be myself with was Jake and he had no fear of this so id look like a drama queen. I decided I had no control over what could happen to me, if I can die and come back to life and beat a fatal head injury I can beat a tornado. ( this bitch thinks she’s more tough than wind) Within an hour the warning was off but the debris from the have rains and thunder stuck. Having no cell service fear mode struck again, because I had scheduled readings, and I couldn’t contact ANYONE. Thank god people know I’m not a piece of shit and when I had service was able to contact everyone. On top of all of this vegan options there were few and far between. The happy cow app gave us like 4 places, and in every place we went they fucked up my order. We got a VEGAN FLATBREAD and chicken was put on it on accident, I got a cheese-less bread with hummus and they put cheese on it, We went to a theme park and thankfully they had veggie burgers but the fries contained FISH. I had had it and felt so defeated and like an outcast in society. I felt like god just wanted to punch me in the face time and time again. The last day we were there we passed this place I hadn’t noticed before called the local grocer, I googled it and it was A VEGAN RESTAURANT AND FOOD STORE. I couldn’t believe this wasn’t on the happy cow app. How could I have missed this? The message? Pay attention and follow your true feelings and don’t rely on an app, but mostly it was the universe saying PAY ATTENTION BITCH.
After we got home a whole new slew of emotions and issues came about, I opened a fortune cookie and it said, “ imagine how much good you can do when you don’t care who gets the credit”. Punch in face. I am not a dick with a giant ego that would say thats not true because it is, and I don’t mind facing myself ever. Ive had issues for a while, with people receiving credit for my blood, sweat and tears. People I’ve helped not crediting me, reworking my words and people praising them. It fucking sucks. My first reiki student who is now a failed cult leader who uses abuse and fear of spirituality to create slaves, reworded something I posted the other day and the world is like, ohhh wow you’re soo profound, but like, you sell magic moon dust and cheap crystals from japan and wanna say, “ the new age movement is bad” get the fuck out of here. You bank in on others fears to make money and “fans”, using the new age movement for personal gain. But see, I have to face myself in why that upsets me so bad. Maybe cause this girl when I was a lost empath just coming out of hiding made me feel special because she was “well known” then made me believe she was my friend but was telling people behind my back that I deserved to be raped because I drink? Abusing her pets, but taking pictures with farm animals for worship. The hypocrisy makes me livid, but I have no power and no control over these things. Maybe I’m upset I’ve worked so hard for something and wasn’t lucky enough to sleep with a famous guy and blow up on the internet and then come into spirituality. Ive worked my ass off as a weird bitch, secretly doing readings, living a double life, and maybe because I know how special I am now, someone else getting credit for my stuff makes the inner early 20’s girl feel like she’s still not good enough.
In the same week, someone connected to this human who I have been nothing but kind to in my life started this smear campaign about me to a good friend, leaving voicemails that I am not “clairvoyant” and I use reiki for fame. Um. I talk about parasites in the vagina and say love and light is bullshit until you face your dark stuff, thats not someone trying to win the popular vote. That didn’t bother me as much as this like thirty something year old saying I talked poorly about my friend. I believe this girl wanted to feel accepted by us as a group, but there was nothing in common. Ive known my friend since I was 14, we’ve faced a lot and gotten through it. She was attacked by her a second after not agreeing with what she was saying, and it was a really anxiety filled situation for me. Hearing words come out of my mouth, so much as a made up screen shot! Which there are hundreds of apps for, it made me get really dizzy, really sick, and my boyfriend thank god was there for me assuring me no one would believe this person. But why did I get so afraid I wouldn’t be believed? Stuck up for? I knew I was innocent, but why didn’t my body feel that way… You can imagine at 29 something like this happening made me feel insane. This is child’s play! But there was my clue, I instantly was trigger to a time, ( changing names for respect purposes) Denise and Lianne I was good friends with in middle school and high, but they were also my greatest bullies. I never felt accepted by them and they made me fear school so much. They targeted me, kicked me out of the lunch table, made up rumors about me, told people I lost my virginity cause I’m a slut, when it was me defending myself against a predator… my track record with the female friendship was never anything I trusted or felt good enough for. Years later at 21 years old, I reconnected with them, and we started hanging out and going to bars. It had been years since id seen or spoken to anyone and I was really having fun, I felt accepted. I felt ok to be myself, and that caught attention from dudes. I am very witty, and one of the dudes. I get along with men easier because females are scary and my father raised me. Lianne did not like this, she was used to being center of attention. I didn’t even realize I was getting attention, I had bad teeth and was insecure, I was just being myself. I was on my way to hang with them and I got a text from Denise saying her and Lianne don’t trust me and I’m not allowed to hang out with them anymore. EXCUSE ME? I was like wtf what did I do, “ oh we heard you talked shit about us”. I didn’t say a word, thats never been my MO. I was so confused by this because I didn’t do anything. I knew nothing I said would help me so I just laid down and felt defeated. Years later, Denise became my friend again. It seems the other girls had distanced themselves from her and did exactly to her as they did me. She told me Leanne was bored and annoyed I was becoming confident so they just made things up so I couldn’t hang out. So imagine, this situation with this chick now making shit up, and feeling defeated even though I know it’s a lie, mirrors this situation so badly. From there it was SO MANY SITUATIONS. It opened up the door of fear and guilt as well. I cried so hard because I missed all of my grandparents who were passed. On my dads side I was the first grandchild, and I was so special to everyone, until a little cousin had something going on and she became the star in the sky, and I was pushed to the side by everyone. My moms side, my grandma was the first one to know what I was because she was. She said to me when I was 4, “ don’t ever touch tarot cards” and I never did, and I became self reliant. She would tell me the angels are good and arch angel Michael I should talk to, but if someone looked dark or felt bad make them leave. We lived in her basement for a bit while my parents were learning how to grow up, and I did everything with her, until another cousin came along who needed her. I was then pushed to the side. The young child in me was crying and screaming how badly she needed her grandparents and she wasn’t good enough because she wasn’t sick or something wasn’t wrong with her. I cried to Jake how badly I needed family when I was growing up, and they were never there for me. My grandparents on my dads side stopped talking to us in general for years until I was 17 and looked up their number and asked if they remembered me. The first grandchild calls her grandparents to see if they remember her. The last time I ever saw my grandma before she passed away, my cousin and I walked to the mall to see her at work, (tough bitch lol) and she introduced herself to me as my cousins grandma… let that sink in, MY GRANDMA introduced herself to me as my cousins grandma and asked my name. Imagine what that does to a child’s worth, who needed her grandparents while her parents were all fucked up, raising a little sister, alone. Safety. Root chakra safety.
Releasing all these events, and even more that are far too personal of others business I woke up with a horrible back ache that still has not went away but has subsided. The lower back and hips is all victimization, not feeling safe in the world, not asking for help, not believing you’re good enough. I believe the tape worm I passed after drinking slippery elm bark was holding onto all of these memories. I couldn’t move, couldn’t walk, Jake had to help me do everything and I literally cried having to ask him to pour me water because I couldn’t move. I cried so much that first night of pain I don’t think I have any more tears left. Learning the root of spinal injury, and lower back issues are guilt. Sciatica, guilt and fear. I felt guilty over so many things I’ve done that I’ve had to do in my life to protect myself whether it be use sexuality to be shielded, or just the guilt of never being able to protect myself in my life. I realized I fear leaving and having fun and something bad will happen if I enjoy myself because when my grandma died, the day before I went to the mall with my friends instead of seeing her. She passed the next day and my mother said, “ Thats what you get for picking fun and friends and yourself over your sick grandma”. The young child now perceives fun and enjoying herself as bad. The adult now fears everyone dying if she leaves the house. I had to reschedule my flight home from mass because I couldn’t walk. There as so much fear of missing the flight, then I realized, WHAT IS THE WORST THAT HAPPENS, you miss a flight and go on another one, calm down Alex. I realized I have control issues now because of my childhood, unable to control what happened to me, then late teen years, unable to control c*nty women projecting their shit on me. Unable to make my family want me, unable to make guys pick me. This is what I mean when I say quantum brain, I KNOW ALL OF THIS, but inner child still existing thats not healed is holding the ego reigns above me. Now I sit here in pain, but its subsiding. I did a soul retrieval, and young me is in disbelief of how far I’ve carried myself and how amazing I’ve become, so she’s resisting. Taking to 21 year old insecure Alex is insane, she truly doesn’t believe she deserves the life she does now. The back healing, is her resisting but accepting. Ive carried this bitch this far, she’s never getting left behind.
Releases have triggers and it’s our job to realize whats being triggered instead of staying a victim of bad shit happening. It’s happening to give us freedom, not to hurt us. That way of thinking needs to go! The empath victim mentality has to be healed.
The beauty of energy medicine, is we must open our eyes to the things we closed them to long ago, we can heal and reshape our destiny every day, but we must do the work, and face the dark shit. Unless we get to the ROOT of our suffering, we will always be a victim with symptoms and no freedom.